Wrestling With The Classics

To make up for it I’ll include two old creations I made for the “With Leather” commentariat that spawned this blog. Plus, I’m working on an adaptation of the opening of “War and Peace” as if it were about the final episode of WCW Monday Nitro. So there’s that! 

First: “Hamback:” 

To feed or not to feed: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the ring to suffer The knees and elbows of outrageous grapplers, Or to throw clotheslines against a sea of jobbers, And by opposing, to Shell Shock them? To pin: to job; No more; and by a pin to say we end The Heart-break (Kid) and the thousand Shell Shocks That Punk is heir to,’tis a consummation Devoutly to be spoil’d. To pin: to beat; To beat: perchance to become champion: ay, there’s the (Heyman) rub: For in that Shocking of Shells what reign may come When we have shuffled off this Meathook Clothesline, Must give us pause: there’s the Respect That makes calamity of so long reigns; For who would bear the irish whips and shoulder blocks of time, The challenger’s wrong, the proud Paul’s contumely, The pangs of despised Punk, the GM’s delay, The insolence of office politics and the spurns That patient merit of the Creative Team takes, When they themselves might their finish make With a bare chairshot? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat and call spots under a weary life, But that the dread of something after the bell, The undiscover’d finish from whose loss No mid-carder returns, puzzles the fans And makes us rather type those ills we have (on the message boards) Than wait for plans that we know not of? Thus conscience does make bookers of us all; And thus the native hue of low resolution Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of computer screens, And enterprises of great promos and build With this regard their matches turn awry, And lose the name of action. – Soft you now! The fair Johnny Ace! General Manager, in thy orisons Be all bad RAWs remember’d. 

And “Sheameo and Otunget:” 

But Sheamus! What back through yonder table breaks? It is Otunga, and McGillicutty is the son (of Mr. Perfect)! Arise, fair Otunga, and kill the envious Sheamus, Who is already sick and pale with grief That thou his counsel art far more oily than he. Be not his counsel, since he is devious. His wrestling livery is but sick and green, And none but Irish do wear it. Cast it off (in the locker room). It is my opponent; O, it is my enemy! O that he knew he were! He speaks, yet he says nothing inoffensive. What of that? His move set discourses; I will counter it. I am too bold; ’tis not to me his Brogue kick seeks. Two of the fairest luchadores in all the heaven, Having THIS BUSINESS, do entreat his eyes To glare in their spheres till they return. What if his limes were there, they in his lobster head? The brightness of his hair would shame those luchadores As Vince doth Trish Stratus; his eyes in heaven Would through the airy coliseum stream so bright That Jim Johnston would sing and think it were not (Tonight’s the) night. See how he leans his fist upon his chest! O that I were a hand upon that chest, That I might touch him with The Verdict!

The event that inspired the post below. 

Daytona Beach, 1996 

 

RANDY SAVAGE 

(To Bischoff) The Bash at the Beach is come

Eric Bischoff

Ay, Randy; but not gone.

DUSTY RHODES

Hail, Macho Man! read thith promo.

TED DiBIASE

The Giant doth desire you to o’erread,

At your best leisure, this his humble promo.

DUSTY RHODES

O Randeh, read mine firthst; for mine’s a thuit

Dat touches Randeh nearer: read it, great Thavage.

RANDY SAVAGE

What touches the Macho Man himself shall be last served, OH YEAH!

DUSTY RHODES 

Delay not, Randeh; read it inthstantly.

RANDY SAVAGE 

What, is the son of a plumber mad?

RIC FLAIR 

Common Man, get out of the way. WOOOOOO!

KEVIN NASH

What, urge you your petitions in a street fight?

Come to the Ocean Center.

SAVAGE goes up to the Ocean Center, the rest following

EARLY MESSAGE BOARD POSTER

I wish your enterprise to-day may thrive.

KEVIN NASH

What enterprise, unwashed mark?

EARLY MESSAGE BOARD POSTER

Fare you well.

Advances to SAVAGE.

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