Wrestling With The Classics

Daytona Beach, 1996 

 

RANDY SAVAGE 

(To Bischoff) The Bash at the Beach is come

Eric Bischoff

Ay, Randy; but not gone.

DUSTY RHODES

Hail, Macho Man! read thith promo.

TED DiBIASE

The Giant doth desire you to o’erread,

At your best leisure, this his humble promo.

DUSTY RHODES

O Randeh, read mine firthst; for mine’s a thuit

Dat touches Randeh nearer: read it, great Thavage.

RANDY SAVAGE

What touches the Macho Man himself shall be last served, OH YEAH!

DUSTY RHODES 

Delay not, Randeh; read it inthstantly.

RANDY SAVAGE 

What, is the son of a plumber mad?

RIC FLAIR 

Common Man, get out of the way. WOOOOOO!

KEVIN NASH

What, urge you your petitions in a street fight?

Come to the Ocean Center.

SAVAGE goes up to the Ocean Center, the rest following

EARLY MESSAGE BOARD POSTER

I wish your enterprise to-day may thrive.

KEVIN NASH

What enterprise, unwashed mark?

EARLY MESSAGE BOARD POSTER

Fare you well.

Advances to SAVAGE.

HULK HOGAN 

What said that mark, brother?

KEVIN NASH

He wish’d to-day our enterprise might thrive.

I fear your heel turn is discovered.

HULK HOGAN 

Look, how he makes to Savage; watch him.

KEVIN NASH

Scott, be quick, for we fear interference.

Hogan, what shall be done? If this be spoiled,

Savage never shall turn back,

For I will get myself counted out.

HULK HOGAN

Scott, be constant:

The basement dweller speaks not of my heel turn;

For, look, he praises Japanese wrestlers, and Savage doth not change.

KEVIN NASH

The Giant knows his time; for, look you, Hogan.

He draws [NAME REDACTED] out of the way.

Exeunt [NAME REDACTED] and THE GIANT.

TED DiBIASE

Where is Scott Hall? Let him go,

And presently start the match with Savage.

HULK HOGAN

He is in the ring: press near and tag with him.

KEVIN NASH 

Scott, you are the first that rears your hand with a low blow.

RANDY SAVAGE

Are we all ready? What is now amiss in WCW

That Macho Man and his tag partners must redress?

THE GIANT

Most high, most mighty, and most puissant Macho Man,

The Giant throws before thy boots

An humble heart,—

Kneeling

RANDY SAVAGE

Listen, I must prevent thee, Giant.

These handshakes and these friendly promos

Might fire the blood of ordinary grapplers,

And turn pre-ordinance and first decree

Into the law of children. Don’t be foolish,

To think that the Macho Man bears such rebel blood

That will be thaw’d from the true quality

With that which melteth jobbers; I mean, sweet words,

Low-crooked court’sies and base babyfacing.

The Taskmaster by decree is best when fighting Hogan:

If thou dost bend and pray and fawn for him,

I spurn thee like a Kennel from Hell match out of my way.

Know, Savage doth not wrong, nor without cause

Will he be satisfied, OH YEAH!

THE GIANT

Is there no contender more worthy than myself

To sound more sweetly in great Macho Man’s ear

For a rematch for my beaten partner?

HULK HOGAN 

I kiss thy brass ring, but not in flattery, Savage;

Desiring thee that The Taskmaster may

Have an immediate rematch with [NAME REDACTED].

RANDY SAVAGE 

What, Hogan!

KEVIN NASH 

Pardon, Macho Man; Macho Man, pardon:

As low as to thy boot doth Diesel fall,

To beg a rematch for The Taskmaster.

RANDY SAVAGE

I could be easily booked, if I were as you:

If I could pray to job, jobbing would move me:

But I am constant as the northern five star match,

Of whose true-fix’d and resting quality

There is no fellow on the roster (since Steamboat retired).

 The indies are filled with unnumber’d sparks,

 They are all fire and every one doth shine,

But there’s but one in all doth hold his place, oh yeah:

 So in the world; ‘tis furnish’d well with wrestlers,

 And wrestlers are flesh and blood, and botch-prone;

 Yet in the number I do know but one

 That unassailable holds on his rank,

 Unshaked of motion: and that I am he OH YEAH,

 Let me a little show it, even in this;

 That I was constant Taskmaster should be assailed by [NAME REDACTED]

 And constant do remain to keep him so.

 KEVIN NASH 

O Macho Man,—

RANDY SAVAGE 

Go away! wilt thou gorilla press the ring steps?

DUSTY RHODES

Oh Randeh,—

RANDY SAVAGE

Doth not Hogan shirtless kneel?

SCOTT HALL 

Speak, hands for me, mang!

SCOTT HALL low blows RANDY SAVAGE, followed by a HULK HOGAN Atomic Leg Drop

RANDY SAVAGE 

Et tu, Hogan! Then fall, Macho Man.

 Is pinned

 

The preceding was adapted from a section of William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Act III Scene I.